Open your eyes
by whoyouarexo
Summary: A R/J fiction following the events of the abortion..
1. Headlock

**Another R/J fiction yes, but this one has been one ive had written for a long time, and on RJO (Ruth & Jay online, if you want to sign up, www . ruth and jay. co. nr- not sure if you can advertise on these boards, so join the spaces :D) **

**I thought if its there, I might aswell share it here..Ive got to warn you its pretty deep! **

**Its set around the circumstances of the abortion, and the first chapter is basically the emotions that follow...hope you enjoy guys, this angsty ride is a dedication to every R/J fan out there!**

****

Chapter 1 - Lets talk.

"Jay!" Ruth shouted, after his retreating back, as he stormed through the E.D on New Years Day..after just finding out that Ruth knowingly aborted their child. She knew how wrong she was, but as she broke up with Jay, the need to tell him wasn't as great. And then they got back together and everything changed. She yearned to tell him but everything with him was always perfect. She feared ruining that but she knew the longer she left it the worse it would get. And then the day the subject cropped up, she couldn't hold it in. she didn't know what reaction she was expecting. Maybe a bit of shouting, anger, but Jays voice only had a hint of anger in it. The rest was filled with heartbreak, he had been holding back all these feelings of him blaming himself, and she obviously had done nothing to ease that in letting him believe that it was a miscarriage. She was horrified at what Jay had been suffering alone, she tried to reach out to him, and that's when he walked away, looking defeated as ever.

People looked from Ruth to Jay, and Charlie threw a concerned look over to Jay, while Tess started to slowly edge towards Ruth, knowing that she was the only person in the hospital who would have a chance of a conversation with Ruth. Getting emotions out of Ruth was like getting blood out of a stone for anyone apart from Jay. Everyone else looked at the commotion.

Jay had stormed to get the bus, he didn't care where, just somewhere away from that hospital. He thrusted change at the driver and told him to keep whatever was left, and sat down trying to contain every emotion that had piled up inside him since that sentence. What was he doing bugging Ruth about the "secret" . Everything could of still been perfect if he hadn't done that, he could of still had a girlfriend, who he loved and was moving in with.  
What was he doing, trying to blame himself for this situation? This was nobody's fault apart from Ruth, the girl that had successfully broken his heart twice now, the girl who was harbouring that secret for so long, and the girl that was now probably sitting in the staffroom with everyone thinking he was the bad guy. It was a assumption. Ruth was the delicate flower of the E.D, he was the joker, the only people that would stick up for him were Big Mac and Noel, and that's probably when they finished collecting their winnings, on betting that his and Ruth's relationship would only last a week.  
He got off the bus the stop before usual, by the river..it was his spot, when he was upset, and just wanted to be alone, that's where he would go to release his emotions. He could sit in the cold, dark area for as long as he wanted, mulling over the disappointing thing that was life and love.

Ruth was sat in Tess' office, after trying to reject her offer of sympathy and tea many times, she had ended up weakening on the spot and going towards the office with the head nurse.  
"Whats happened Ruth? Has Jay done something?" Tess asked, wondering what could have been so bad to break apart the couple that literally, half an hour ago were perfectly happy.  
Ruth put her head up, and stopped sipping her tea in order to avoid answering questions.  
"That abortion pill I took..i told him today. January. I took it in October" Ruth said, in a monotone voice, using every bit of effort she had left on trying not to break down, or cry.  
"Oh Ruth.." Tess replied. What else could she say. She was expecting to want to hit Jay with bedpans until her heart was content, but upon hearing this, she felt a pity for the nurse.  
"I thought you had told him when it happened?" she said, and Ruth shook her head  
"How did he take it?" Tess asked, thinking of Jay. Usually, he was a bit of a hot-head.  
"He didn't seem angry. Just really hurt. Said that I had been letting him think that it was a miscarriage, that it was his fault. He wanted to know why I couldn't trust him. then he left" Ruth said, sniffing slightly, she knew what she had just lost, was worth more then anything she had ever had.  
Ruths pager went off  
"Ruth you don't have to.." Tess started  
"Yes, I do. And Tess, d-don't let everyone know" Ruth stammered, stepping out.

Charlie stepped into Tess' office, and Tess switched the kettle on.  
"Did you happen to see where Jay went?" Tess asked  
"Just out the hospital" Charlie shrugged, his voice full of concern for the young nurse. He had looked distraught, and he was on his path to chase after him, but Adam had held him back, telling him that Jay probably just needed some time to himself.  
"Do you know what happened?" Charlie asked, after hearing Tess sigh at his last response.  
"To cut a long story short. Last year Ruth got pregnant, she aborted it, that's why she was in. she let Jay think it was a miscarriage, and the truth came out tonight" Tess said, and Charlie's mouth opened.  
"I need…" he started  
"Go find Jay, I'll cover your shift" Tess said kindly and Charlie smiled.  
"we look after our own" Charlie said, and Tess smiled.

Charlie slowed down his car and parked it up near the river. It was near Jays home, and he knew Jay well enough to know he wouldn't want to be anywhere near his home at the moment. He would want to be alone, mulling over everything in his head.  
As soon as Charlie heard noise he knew his instinct was correct. Jay was throwing rocks violently into the sea and watching them bounce across the river.  
Charlie stood behind him.  
"How you doing?" Charlie simply asked, radiating that warmth that just made him Charlie.  
"Oh great. Everythings fine" Jay replied, not taking in who was behind him.  
"Gramps how did you find me?" Jay suddenly asked, sharply, realising it was Charlie who was behind him.  
"I used to hide out around here when I needed to be alone" he answered, with a soft smile  
Charlie could tell how upset and emotional Jay must be right now his eyes were shining, it was like he was having a battle with himself to not break down, he was similar to Ruth in that way, neither one of them liked to be seen as anything but strong.  
"This morning I thought this year would be the best. Now everythings ruined" Jay said, softly, and Charlie knew he was beginning to explain the depth of his upset on his own terms.  
"Ruth was pregnant. I thought she had a miscarriage. She didn't correct me. I spent MONTHS thinking I was a murderer, I had been causing all this stress, but she took a pill to end it and only told me now!" Jay said, more to himself then anyone else. He grabbed a pile of rocks and started throwing them harshly towards the river  
"Its ok Jay, were all here for you" Charlie replied  
"No its not ok..she-she-she lied Charlie..not just a ordinary lie..a big one" Jay said, snatching more handfuls of rock and slowly chucking them in, sensing his defeat.  
"Oh bloody hell" Jay continued, and Charlie put his arm around his shoulder, hoping to be a source of comfort.  
"what do I do?" Jay asked, and he repeated this question as his guard finally broke down and he was hysterically crying into Charlies shoulder.

Ruth sat in the staff room, hands closed around a cup of tea, wondering if Jay was ok. Tess came in with her phone.  
"Charlie just texted, hes found Jay, hes upset understandably, but hes safe" Tess said, with a small smile.  
"I need to talk to him" Ruth said, looking shifty.  
"Ruth I think he just needs some time to calm down at the moment, yeah?" Tess said, calmly.

Ruth sat for hours as Tess left her, the whole department was now starting to find out what she had done. Some wanted to know how Jay was, Yuki made a very brave move In giving her a chocolate bar and a awkward pat on the back, muttering something about "Nurse Faldren being a forgiving man" and Nick Jordan had told her that being in this sort of position himself, Jay just needed some time, just as Tess said.

Jay was still outletting his emotions onto the shoulder of Charlie who was soothingally rubbing his back and telling him that everything would eventually be ok. It started to rain, and Charlie tried to guide Jay to the car, but he collapsed on his knees, sobbing, a broken man. Charlie realised how much this news had hurt Jay.  
The young couple were so in love, so happy. What could get them back to that pattern of events?


	2. Such a rush

**This is defo the longest chapter I have ever written! Enjoy everyone! Keep reviewing for me :)!**

**xxxx**

**_"Jay, come on lets go" Charlie said, starting to sound worried, he had never ever seen Jay in this state, ever. He was unrecognizable. On the floor, a sobbing wreck. _  
_Charlie walked to his car, and speed-dialled Tess, he needed help, Jay was not coping._**

_Tess had walked in to talk to Ruth,and she looked at the rain banging on the window_  
_"Sometimes im happy im inside here, just look at that weather!" She said, and her phone suddenly started ringing,loudly._  
_She saw the name on the screen_  
_"Ive got to take this" She said,and flipped open the mobile_  
_"Is everything ok?" she answered, and instantly worried as she heard the pouring rain in the background_  
_"No Tess, its Jay, hes just..hes a mess. He wont get up off the floor"_  
_"Where are you?" Tess asked, knowing Charlie wouldn't ring unless he seriously needed a second hand, so she got her coat out her locker, deciding that as head nurse, her break was now_  
_"Where are you going?" Ruth asked, noticing out of the corner of her eye that the older nurse was looking rushed._  
_Tess faltered_  
_"Its Jay isn't it" Ruth said, her voice shaking_  
_Tess exited the room. Charlie hadn't told her whether she could tell Ruth what state Jay was in,and she wasn't about to hurt Charlies trust._

_She stopped her car and Charlie breathed a sigh of relief as Tess came out, looking worried._  
_Her eyes immediately found Jay, who was sat like a small child, cradling his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth, water dripping from his hair, his face, his clothes were sopping._

_"Jay?" Tess asked,kneeling down beside him_  
_Jay looked at her, his eyes just appearing as he looked up a little bit. He just had to assure the female presensce that was witnessing his broken behaviour wasn't ruth. He couldn't even bear to look at her right now, think about her, let alone have her talking to him, trying to make sense of her decision. Finding a way to free them both of guilt. He should have been better. _

_Around the time she was pregnant, he was flitting round with glasses of wine shouting how happy he was, while she had the burden of a baby on her shoulders. But why couldn't she talk to him. they had just gone public. They were making leeway, they were getting closer, a lot closer. He had never felt so close to a female. _

_He had had relationships before, but they were just results of one night stands with blonde bimbos who couldn't string many words together apart from "god we were drunk last night" before escaping, and having a 2 week fling. Jay didn't care for any of those girls, not the way he cared for Ruth. There had never been anyone like her, she was beautiful, but not in that plastic fake way, she was smart, funny. He had met his match. He thought he could truly settle down with her. He was in love with her. Not even falling in love, that had happened way back even before she fell pregnant. _

_He felt himself falling for her the minute she rejected him at the bar. It was a level of respect. She was a challenge. Cold Ruth winters, everyone had joked. Who could wear her down? Jay just thought it was through lack of trying._

_He had resolved to use any means possible to get her to open up. Succeed where others failed. They attended dinners together, and it even looked like she was having a good time. She smiled at him, it filled up the whole room. And then the night came where she wore down and spent the night with him. she fled the next morning. She paid him. he was gutted._  
_But over the months they had developed something special. Jay chased her until they held hands at the bus stop and went home together, both knowing this was new for both of them. _

_But now that woman he had come to care so deeply about had betrayed him. Worse then any of the others, the one that dumped him by text, the one that went out with his best mate. Even the one that cheated on him. Ruth had outweighed all those others by a lot. He didn't have it in him to be angry at her. He was filled with a new sense of grief. He knew they had lost a child, but he didn't know it was a decision that he didn't even have a opportunity to be a part of. She knew he was a family guy, she surely knew he wouldn't force anything. But now, there he was, on the floor, distraught, like one of the patients, while the two head nurses looked to each other in despair, wondering what to do. _

_"Jay" Tess said, a bit more sharply, but not her ordering tone. It was different, it was quiet, caring but responsible._  
_He looked up again and the eye contact stayed_  
_"What can I do Tess?" he asked her, the rain dripping off his face._  
_"well your going to get in the car and let me drive you home" she said, relived that he had returned to a state of replying at least._  
_"I moved in with Ruth last night. Im not going there" Jay said, adamantly._  
_"Nobody's in my house, you can stay with me for a bit" Charlie said, offering a smile, which Jay half heartedly returned. _  
_"Let me just take you back to the hospital and make sure your not catching a cold, get a change of clothes, that sort of thing yeah?" Tess said, getting her practical head on_  
_"I don't want everyone to see what a pathetic mess I am" Jay said, hanging his head._  
_"Your not being a pathetic mess. Charlie, you wait at yours, get some takeaways in or something, and Jay, get in the car" Tess said, touching his arm slightly. Jay was touched at how much his relationship with the head nurse had developed. It was no secret there was bad blood between the two at the start of the road. He was a cheeky git. But as his caring side came into play, Tess became more and more impressed with the new addition to her team._

_When they got back to the hospital, Ruth had returned to work upstairs, knowing that she was too late to follow Tess, and Jay wouldn't want to see her regardless. He hated her right now. It was understandable._

_Tess placed a hand on his back and guided him softly towards the staff room. Jay didn't even get a chance to see peoples reactions._  
_Nick plopped his files on reception and looked sorrowful as Jay passed. Zoe sighed at the state of her college, while Noel, Mac and Lenny looked concerned about the state of their friend but Tess' firm glare was enough to send them back to doing their own jobs. _

_He sat down in the staffroom, it all seemed surreal to him, he was the one whos life had just been ruined. In one sentence. And now he was like the zoo animal. This was what Ruth was so afraid of, their gossip being shared in the department. Now everyone knew, and was waiting to see the reactions of the two lovebirds that were once so happy. Jay wasn't stupid, he had to get out of there quickly, he knew someone would happily go and tell Ruth that he was downstairs, a downtrodden mess. He would put his money on Alice, or someone like her, someone who was trying to be helpful but just wasn't._

_Tess had quickly went to the reception, mostly just to warn Noel not to say anything about where Jay was, she knew he liked to feel useful, so he could easily phone Ruth, and as much affection as Tess had for the young doctor, she needed to make sure Jay was ok, and rested before they even thought about talking._  
_She had dropped a huge bombshell on him. a shocking bombshell, something that Tess felt guilty about. She knew about the pill. On the rare moments she had alone with Jay, he was sensitive and kind, he had told Tess he viewed it as his fault, but she couldn't say anything because Ruth said he could never find out. _

_"Tess, im not going to pick up the phone and tell Ruth. Im glad hes shot of her"_  
_"what makes you say that?" asked Nick, looking past with a glare on his face. He was one of the few people that had ever connected to Ruth, even if it wasn't for long_

_"Everytime they argue or split up or whatever they do, Jays miserable for weeks on end, its not healthy for him, shes probably not a bad person, but he loves her so much that everytime something like this happens, his heart breaks. As his mate, I like to see him happy yeah?" Noel said, and Mac nodded in agreement, while Nicks look softened slightly_  
_"its good that he has friends like you to pick him up" Nick replied, with a very small hint of a smile._  
_"Tess does he need anything?" Nick asked, looking concerned. Tess was surprised, this wasn't the Nick Jordan she was used to working with. _

_He was usually moody, egotistical and downright rude to some staff. But ever since his brain tumour, he had found new qualities. Compassion .zest for life. He went for pints with the staff. He cared about them now, they were his team. His ED._  
_"No, he just needs a good nights rest and some warmth..he was in the rain for about 45 minutes before he could stand up" Tess carried on, looking very concerned_  
_Nicks pager went off and he was glad of the excuse to get away from the drama. Also the fact he knew Jay liked to keep himself to himself emotions-wise, so the less people flitting around him, the better._

_An hour later, Jay was settled at Charlies, fast asleep while Charlie looked at him in despair. This argument was worse then the others. He had seen Jay argue with Ruth, he had even witnessed his miserable face when they had broken up the first time, but it was nothing like this. he was depressed. He had cried his eyes out, he had worn his soul on his sleeve, he was crying out for help, and Jay never did that. Usually he just smiled and shook it off, even though you could tell not everything was ok. He would never give the impression that he was anything but fine, he smiled he went out for drinks with his mates and he liked having a laugh. _

_But now he was silent, despondent. And Charlie felt it was his responsibility to get him through it. all those tough times he had been through, he didn't want people swanning around him constantly, he just wanted a simple presence, someone that was always in the background, looking out for him. someone who would say on occasion "it'll be ok" but be realistic and let him grieve for the loss of his relationship, they would tell him when he needed to talk, they were always there. He never had that figure, but he had a steely determination that that's what he was going to be for Jay._

_Ruth wandered through the ED, everyone was giving her looks. She hated her busneiss being in the open, everyone staring, knowing what she had done, thinking she was a evil witch who had broke Jays heart again. She saw the looks that Mac and Noel gave her, she would never redeem herself in their eyes. She kidded herself that she didn't care but she did. They were Jays best friends. And she had to swallow her pride and ask where Jay was. She didn't have a clue. They probably would know. Not that they would want to give her the truth, far from. They would tell her he was on a flight to Germany if it kept her away from him. _

_"Mac, Noel" she said, simply, as they both looked slightly alarmed at her sudden presence_  
_"have you heard from Jay?" she asked, as they both looked at each other, and Macs eye twitched, sort of like he was lieing_  
_She waited, and then Noel made a face at Mac_  
_"No" he said, bowing his head down. They were officially the worst liars ever_  
_"Your not telling the truth" Ruth said, looking at them, wondering which would crack first_  
_"He was here earlier ok? But not anymore, he's staying with Charlie, so don't you go looking for him and causing more damage" Noel said, wagging a finger in Ruth's direction_

_Ruth finally gave up and stomped back upstairs. Jay didn't want to see her. He had come to the hospital, not to see her, let her explain. Everyone had saw him but not told her, what kind of friends were they? She was stupid to believe she ever had friends in the hospital. This was what sharing your private business did to you. It destroyed you on those occasions when it went wrong. Nobody ever got the happy ending, even if it was Cinderella and Prince Charming._  
_But she couldn't think like this. She would say that she knew Jay fairly well now. And Jay always said, to patients who had been dumped because of betrayal "never give up, you can reel them back in if they love you, and your sorry enough" he always had a sincere empathic smile on his face whenever he said it._

_Hopefully the theory would ring true. This was the first time Ruth had ever been happy, she was never more satisfied with life then she was when she was with Jay, she would give up anything for him now. She knew how important he was in her life, and there was no way she was giving up without a good long battle. She loved him and she knew that deep down somewhere he still loved her, it was clouded by the visions of hate because of the admission about the abortion, but feelings couldn't be turned off like a light. It was just today he had spun her around in his strong arms, it would take some time. But she finally realised. She was in the wrong, and for once she needed to fight for him._  



End file.
